山西省永济市涑北中学高三英语复习：英文小幽默2Aladywaswalkingdownthestreettowork.Shesawaparrotonaperch[栖木]infrontofapet（宠物）store.Theparrotsaidtoher,“Heylady,youarereallyugly.”Well,theladywasfurious[暴怒的]!Shestormedpastthestoretoherwork. Onthewayhomeshesawthesameparrotanditsaidtoher,“Heylady,youarereallyugly.”Shewasincrediblyticked[愤怒]now.Thenextdaythesameparrotagainsaidtoher,“Heylady,youarereallyugly.”Theladywassotickedthatshewentintothestoreandsaidthatshewouldsue[起诉]thestoreandkillthebird.Thestoremanagerapologized（道歉）profusely[十分慷慨地]andpromised（保证）hewouldmakesuretheparrotwouldn'tsayitagain.Whentheladywalkedpastthestorethatdayafterwork,theparrotcalledtoher,“Heylady.”Shepausedandsaid,”Yes?”Thebirdsaid,“Youknow.”Daddy,HowMuchDoYouMakeanHour?Withatimid[羞怯的]voice（声音，语气）andidolizing[崇拜偶像]eyes，thelittleboygreeted（问）hisfatherashereturnedfromwork,“Daddy,howmuchdoyoumakeanhour?”Greatlysurprised,butgivinghisboyaglaring[耀眼的]look,thefathersaid,“Look,son,notevenyourmotherknowsthat.Don'tbother（打扰）menow,I'mtired（累，疲劳的）.”“ButDaddy,justtellmeplease!Howmuchdoyoumakeanhour?”theboyinsisted.Thefatherfinally（最后）gaveup（giveup放弃）andreplied,“Twentydollarsperhour.”“Okay,Daddy.Couldyouloan（贷款）metendollars?”theboyasked.Showingrestlessness（不安）andpositivelydisturbed（被激怒）,thefatheryelled（大喊）—“SothatwasthereasonyouaskedhowmuchIearn（挣）,right?Gotosleepanddon'tbothermeanymore!” Itwasalreadydarkandthefatherfeltguilty（愧疚）ashemeditated（思考，冥想）onwhathehadsaid.Maybe,hethought,hissonwantedtobuysomething.Sothefatherwenttohisson'sroom.“Areyouasleep,son?”askedthefather.“No,Daddy.Why?”repliedtheboy,partiallyasleep（睡眼惺忪）. “Here'sthemoneyyouaskedforearlier（早些时候，刚才）,”thefathersaid.“ThankDaddy!”rejoiced（喜乐）theson,puttinghishandunderhispillow（枕头）andpullingoutsomemoney.“NowIhavetwentydollars!”theboysaidtohisfather,whowasgazing（凝视）athisson,confusedat（对。疑惑）whathissonjustsaid.“Daddy,couldyousellmeonehourofyourtime?”snake5"Arewepoisonous（有毒的）?"theyoungsnakeaskedhismother."Yes,dear,"shereplied-"Whydoyouask?""CauseI'vejustbittenmytongue!ThecatandmouseMrsBrownwenttovisitoneofherfriendandcarriedasmallboxwithholes（洞）punched（针扎）inthetop（顶部）."What'sinyourbox?"askedthefriend."Acat,"answeredMrsBrown."YouseeI'vebeendreamingabout（做梦梦到）miceatnightandI'msoscared（害怕）!Thiscatistocatchthem.""Butthemiceareonlyimaginary（假想）,"saidthefriend."Soisthecat,"whisperedMrsBrown.evolutionThelecturer（讲师）onevolution（进化论）hadbeengoingonfornearly（接近）twohours.thenhestartedagain,andsaidhe:"Letmeasktheevolutionistaquestion---ifwehadtailslikeababoon（狒狒）,wherearethey?""I'llventure（风险，冒险）ananswer,"saidanoldlady."Wehavewornthemoff（磨掉）sittingheresolong.".Improvement（进步）Onestudenttoanother:"HowareyourEnglishlessonscomingalong（进展如何）?""Fine.Iusedto（曾经）beonewhocouldn'tunderstandtheEnglishmen,andnowit'stheEnglishmenwhocan'tunderstandme."TheReason（理由）ofBeingLateTeacher:Johnny,whyareyoulateforschooleverymorning?Johnny:EverytimeIcometothecorner（拐角）,aguidepost（路牌）says,'School--GoSlow'.WhenDoPeopleTalkLeast?StudentA:Whendopeopletalkleast（最少）?StudentB:InFebruary.StudentA:Why?StudentB:BecauseFebruaryistheshortestmonthofayear.ThepluralForm（复数形式）of"Child"Teacher:Whatisthepluralofman,Tom?Tom:Men.Teacher:Good.Andthepluralofchild?Tom:Twins.TheinsaneasylumLateonenightattheinsaneasylum(疯人院）oneinmate（病人）shouted（喊）,"IamNapoleon!"Anotheronesaid,"Howdoyouknow?"5Thefirstinmatesaid,"Godtoldme!"Justthen,avoicefromanotherroomshouted,"Ididnot!"MySister'sFingersTeacher:Kevin,whyareyoulatethistime?Kevin:Pleasesir,Ibruised（砸伤）twofingersknockinginanail（钉钉子）athome.Teacher:Idon'tseeanybandages（绷带）.Kevin:Oh,theyweren'tmyfingers!Itoldmylittlesistertohold（扶住）thenail.Essay（作文）Teacherhadsethisclassanessayin"AGameofCricket（板球）".AftertwominutesSimonSteel（名字）handed（上交）hispaperinandwasallowed（允许）togohome.Hisessayread:"Rainstoppedplay."HowManyRabbits?Teacher:Now,Jonathan,ifIgaveyouthreerabbitsandthenthenextdayIgaveyoufiverabbits,howmanyrabbitswouldyouhave?Jonathan:Nine,sir.Teacher:Nine?Jonathan:I'vegotonealready（本来）,sir.HowmuchEnglishcanyouspeak?"YourHonor（尊敬的）,Iwanttobringtoyourattentionhowunfair（不公平）itisformyclient（客户，当事人）tobeaccused（指控）oftheft.（偷窃）HearrivedinNewYorkCityaweekagoandbarely（几乎不knewhiswayaround.What'smore（而且）,heonlyspeaksafewwordsofEnglish."Thejudge（法官）lookedatthedefendant（被告）andasked,"HowmuchEnglishcanyouspeak?"Thedefendantlookedupandsaid,"Givemeyourwallet!（钱包）"studyAhusband,proving（证明）tohiswifethatwomentalkmorethanmen,showed（显示）herastudy（研究）whichindicated（表明）thatmenuseonaverage（平均）only15000wordsaday,whereas（然而）womenuse30000wordsaday.Shethoughtaboutthisforawhileandthentoldherhusbandthatwomenusetwiceasmanywordsasmenbecausetheyhavetorepeat（重复）everythingtheysay.Hesaid,"What?"cake"Tom,what'sthematterwithyourbrother?"askedthemotherinthekitchen."He'scrying.""Oh,nothing,Mum,"repliedTom."I'meatingmycake.HeiscryingbecauseIwon'tgivehimany.""Buthashefinishedhisown（自己的）cake?""Yes."saidTom."Andhealso（也）criedwhenIwashelpinghimfinishthat."Thepeanuts5Aguygoestovisithisgrandmaandhebringshisfriendwithhim.Whilehe'stalkingtohisgrandma,hisfriendstartseatingthepeanuts（花生）onthecoffeetable,andfinishesthemoff（吃光）.Asthey'releaving,hisfriendsaystohisgrandma,"Thanksforthepeanuts."Shesays,"Yeah,sinceIlostmydentures（假牙）Icanonlysuck（吮）thechocolateoff."Theadvantage（作用）ofalcohol（酒精）Afatherwastryingtoteachhissontheevils（危害）ofalcohol.Heputoneworm（虫子）inaglassofwaterandanotherworminaglassofwhiskey（威士忌）.Theworminthewaterlived（活着）,whiletheoneinthewhiskeycurledup（蜷缩）anddied."Allright,son,"askedthefather,"Whatdoesthatshowyou?""Well,Dad,itshowsthatifyoudrinkalcohol,youwillnothaveworms."ThemonthisuptodayAmansatatabar（酒吧）,hadthesaddesthangdog（难过羞愧）expression（表情）.Bartender:"What'sthematter?Areyouhavingtroubles（麻烦，闹矛盾）withyourwife?"Theman:"Wehadafight,andshetoldmethatshewasn'tgoingtospeaktomeforamonth."Bartender:"Thatshouldmakeyouhappy."Theman:"No,themonthisuptoday（今天是这个月最后一天）!"HemusthaveacomputerAmotherwasteachingher５-year-oldsonaboutGod.“Doyouknow,”shesaidtohimoneday,“thatGodknowswhereeverybodyisallthetime,andexactly（到底）whattheyaredoing.”Thelittleboylookedathismotherwide-eyed（睁大眼睛）andsaid,“Wow.Hemusthaveacomputer.”CounttooneHundredBeforeYouSpeakInclass,theteacher,withhisbackleaningagainst（背靠）thestove（火炉）,saidtothestudents,"Beforeyouspeak,youshouldthinkandcounttoatleast50,andforimportantmattersto100."Nosooner（刚刚）hadtheteacherstoppedtalkingthanthestudentsbegantocount.atlastallthestudentsshoutedtogether,"1...98,99,100.teacher,yourclothesareonfire（着火）."WhoisDisgusting（可恶）First：“Myneighborisverydisgusting，whomovedhere（搬来）recently（最近），herangthebell（按门铃）ofmyhousewitharushlateatnight（深更半夜）．”Second：“Itisdisgustinginfaith（的确），doyoucallthepolice？”First：“No．Ijusttakehimasamadman（疯子），andcontinuetoplaymypiano．”NotNecessaryToAnswer（无需回答）5Teacher：“Ihavetwoquestions，itisn'tnecessary（必须的）toanswerthesecondquestionifyouknowtheresult（结果）ofthefirstquestion．Howmuchhairdoyouhave？”Student：“Ahundredandtwentymillions．”Teacher：“Howdoyouknowit？”Student：“Itisnotnecessarytoanswerthesecondquestion．”NowIcangohomeOnedayafterschooltheteachersaidtohisstudents，“Tomorrowmorning，ifanyoneofyoucananswermyfirstquestion．I'llpermit（允许）himorhertogohomeearlier．”Thenextday，whentheteachercameintotheclassroom，hefoundtheblackboarddaubed（乱涂）．Hewasveryangryandasked，“Whodidit？Pleasestandup!”“It'sme，”saidBob，“Now，Icangohome，Good－bye，Sir!”Giveupmyseat（让座）toaladyLittleJohnnysays"Mom,whenIwasonthebuswithDaddythismorning,hetoldmetogiveupmyseattoalady.""You'vedonetherightthing,"saysMommy."ButMommy,Iwassittingondaddy'slap（膝盖）."BorrowmoneyTom:Williamhasaskedmeforaloanoffivepounds（借5磅钱）.ShouldIbedoingrightinlendingittohim?Jack:Certainly.Tom:Andwhy?Jack:Becauseotherwise（否则）hewouldtrytoborrowitfromme.Nest（鸟巢）andhairMysister,aprimaryschool（小学）teacher,wasinformed（告诉）byoneofherpupils（学生）thatabirdhadbuilt（建造）itsnest（鸟巢）inthetreeoutsidetheclassroom."Whatkind（种类）ofbird?"mysisterasked."Ididn'tseethebird,ma'am,onlythenest,"repliedthechild."Then,canyougiveusadescription（描述）ofthenest?"mysisterencouraged（鼓励）her."Well,ma'am,itjustresembles（象）yourhair."takenthemedicine（吃药）Mother:Whyareyoujumping（跳）upanddown?Tom:I'vejusttakensomemedicineandIforgottoshake（摇晃）thebottle（瓶子）.5
